I was told I was a mistake. My mother was 15 and my father was 21. I was told by a parent that extended family members wanted me aborted. I grew up hearing, from a parent, that my birth and existence ruined their life. I was sent to school dirty with holes in my clothes. I was locked in a basement because I was told that I made too much noise coming upstairs to get breakfast. My bedroom was in the basement below 2 empty bedrooms. My sisters' bedroom was in the basement below 2 empty bedrooms. For years, I believed everything I was told and everything that was done to me, was deserved.
I got to 18 by trying to appease everyone I lived with so that I did not have to hear that I was a burden. I had a disease to please and I later coined the term, approval junkie. Being told that I was the best made me happy. Being #1 made me happy. At jobs, I took supervisory abuse. In relationships, I put up with nonchalance and neglect. Nothing made me happy. I contemplated suicide. Fully immersed in the guilt put on me by a few 'religious' Christians, I decided I didn't want to leave this hell, to burn in another hell. I figured if I could just hold on until my heart gave out, my family has a history of heart attacks, then heaven would be my reward. I knew logically 50 years, or less if lucky, wasn't a large price to pay for an eternity in heaven. I waited for death. A bus. A car accident. An innocent bystander of a drive-by. I hoped anything would happen. I envied those who died on the news. I lived my life as if it was something I was cursed with.
I got so deep in my misery; I cursed the day that I was born. I wanted to know why my egg couldn't have been the one dispelled the month before mine was penatrated. Out of millions of eggs, why mine? I would've rather had been a non-entity than live.
Then 30 happened.
Tyler Perry has said a light comes on at that age and I will admit my light flickered at first, kind of like an old flourescent bulb over a dingy kitchen. I looked at my life and realized that I was stuck. (I will talk about addiction in a later entry.) A good friend (Lori), who had at a time or another felt as the same as me, suggested that I look at one of my friends who was always happy (Tan.) Lori said the reason Tan was always happy was because she was grateful for EVERYTHING! I countered that by sticking to my mantra: We all have pain which is horribly unfair because we never ask for life in the first place. Our existence is a result of two people who never check with us (a non-entity) to see if we want it and yet we are supposed to make it the best way we know how??? Life is BS.
Instead of trying to challenge my viewpoint, Lori gave me a task. She asked me to keep a gratitude journal. Each day I had to find 5 things I was grateful for. I started out the first day with all the things that could've gone wrong that day that didn't. My car didn't break down. I didn't lose my job. I arrived at home safely. There was no power or cable outtage. My phone wasn't lost or stolen. The next day I started looking at people at restaurants, at work and on the street and found things about them that I am glad I didn't struggle with. I wasn't in a wheelchair. I wasn't under arrest. I wasn't obese. I wasn't on a bus stop. I didn't have a substance abuse problem. A month later I was looking at my life and all the things I had. I had a Master's degree. I had a job in a struggling economy. I was healthy. I was handsome. Then Lori and I put together a thesis about life.
Happiness is not a destination or a place you arrive to when your ideal life comes into fruition. It is a daily effort on your behalf to realize all of the things in your life that you have. These things are so easily taken away and others who don't have them are envious of you. Your life is someone else's goal. Happiness also involves an effort on your part to know and believe during a struggle that the struggle is temporary. The proof is that half the things you're sad about won't matter in 6 months or 6 years or 6 decades!
I think about every struggle in terms of how worse that situation could be. For example, I am vain and in my 20s a pimple on my nose would've sent me straight into hiding and a depression because I never asked to be alive and therefore a pimple was an unfair affliction. Last week I had a pimple on my nose. I rejoiced it was not on my lip, sending the wrong message. And haven't I had a pimple before and didn't it go away? Temporary struggle. I'm not trying to be trivial but that's the most recent example of a sadness I can muster.
If you are depressed because you don't have a job, think about the fact that you will definitely get a job one day. Unemployment is temporary. Rejoice you are able-bodied to work. Be grateful that you have experience working and someone will one day see you as an asset.
If you are depressed because you don't have a boyfriend, think about the fact that you know what it's like to have been in love before. If you haven't, rejoice that you have qualities that someone will one day love and that you are attractive. If you think you are unattractive and you've never been in love, rejoice that you at least know what it's like to have been touched. If you are a virgin and don't think you're attractive and have not been in love, be grateful that you at least know what you want and it will happen one day. Loneliness is temporary.
If you are depressed because you are broke, be happy you have a roof over your head. Be grateful you ate today. Be grateful you have clothes on your back. Know that you will have a sufficient amount of money one day. Being broke is temporary. Very temporary if you are working and planning to change that.
Rejoice: Every struggle is temporary.
And if after reading this you still think life is awful,
Rejoice: Life is temporary.
P.S. I have to thank God for deliverance (in the MATCHLESS name of Jesus) and for listening to me whine and providing human ears: Lori, Tan, Mal, Tineka, Chuck, Franklin, Jon, Damian Tiara & Keisha.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment